you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize