Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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