why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
