I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Randomize
