dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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