Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
