I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
