You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
