I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
