i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
