Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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