Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
