I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
