this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
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