the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
