i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry