census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
