I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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