Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
