she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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