I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
