Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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