i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
