i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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