I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
