I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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