Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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