Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
