i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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