I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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