Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize