So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
