I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
