Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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