I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
