I want to walk on stilts...naked
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
