the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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