and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
