living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
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I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
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I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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