you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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