no, he came in my armpit
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
