Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
