I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
