I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
