my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
