im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Drunk is not a location!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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