im holly from the hills drunk
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
