Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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