oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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