Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
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In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
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Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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