he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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