I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
