I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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