I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
