your thong is hanging out like whoa
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
