his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
