wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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