i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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