It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
