Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
